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Written by Dave Clark
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Tuesday, 01 September 2009 00:00 |
A Father’s Heart For Daughters
As the years have gone in my writing for the Indy, it might be common knowledge for those who follow this column that I am a dad of two grown sons. But lately, I have experienced a real burden for young women. In the loss of a daughter-in-law in a marriage, it made me evaluate a lot of things in our family and my son’s marriage. I think I generally liked what I saw in their marriage and in some instances; I wished things could have been a little different. There go those words: I had Wished. In fairness to her, I bet the same is true for her. It is odd how things worked out: I really accepted her as the daughter we didn’t have in a family of all boys. I called her my daughter. I learned a lot about girls and their wounds in life and how they are carried over in life and in marriages.
The same goes for my wife. At age 53, she (and I) is still dealing with daughter wounds that still influenced her past and future behavior. (And the same is for men or boys). These wounds are very real and when left unresolved, they can be damaging to the girl or woman and her life, her family and her husband. In fact, when left unresolved, the circle of divorce, affairs, and malformed relationships just continue to a life of misery. So, this Heart for a Daughter is big and real but sadness and despair can lead to joy and hope. No question it will stretch you like a rubber band which you think will bust at any time. Let’s talk about it a moment.
Men, there are a lot of reasons for you to be a loving father to your daughter. She'll have a more positive view of men in general. More self-esteem as a woman. She's more likely to stay sexually pure until marriage and loyal to you in marriage and have a more healthy view of sexuality.
But, let’s take a moment to reflect on something we do for our daughters ... which, in all honesty, we may be doing more for ourselves.
In a recent research study by Ken Canfield, a doctoral student looked at the bereavement patterns of twenty adolescent girls whose fathers had recently died. One question the researcher asked was what they would miss the most about losing their fathers. Two answers showed up repeatedly among the twenty girls.
For one, they said they missed their fathers when problems or questions came up. They would often wonder, "If Daddy were here now, what would he say?" That's not surprising. One of the unique qualities of fathers is their task orientation. Dads solve problems. They restore order to their child's world.
The second way they missed their fathers was supercharged with emotion. Most of those twenty girls deeply regretted the fact that their father won't be there to walk them down the aisle some day when they get married.
Have you thought about that moment? That unique and priceless moment reserved for father and daughter. The white dress. The long aisle. The whispers. Shaking the hand of the "unworthy" groom.
My heart goes out to those twenty young ladies and any girl who has lost her dad. A brother or an uncle may step in and do the job proudly and admirably. But somehow, it's just not the same.
So what does all this mean to you today? Well, I encourage you to take that image—you and your little girl walking arm in arm down the aisle—and use it as a motivation to build a relationship of mutual love, acceptance and appreciation with your growing daughter.
In all things: Listen, Listen and Love, Love. She deserves every bit of you. |
