Communicatio For Tough Issues
Communication For Tough Issues
I remember growing up in an oil town in West Texas where I went to church and later graduated from high school and attended the local junior college. Our family business for most of my school days was a service station where we pumped a lot of gas, hand washed a lot of cars, fixed flats, greased cars, and everyday was filled with long hours with the smell of gas and oil on my clothes and hands. I never thought I would have normal hands again in my life from all the oil and gas stains. In that part of my life, I found being a kid from West Texas was about flat top hairstyles, crew cuts and pretty well the “beaver-cleaver” look. Long hair, tattoos and body piercing were not in the conversation or world I lived in at that time. What made matters worst, I later went to work in the healthcare industry and clean-cut, business appearance was the world I worked and lived within. Then add going to church in the “bible belt” and the stereotype was set.
My oldest son and I had really didn’t get along. He was very independent in his thinking and actions when he turned into his teen years. He was very rebellious toward me and he showed it in every way possible. The color and length of his hair changed daily. He had far too many tattoos that I didn’t want to think about nor where they were located. He had piercing in places I didn’t want to admit knowing. He might be described as a “punker”, “skater” and just a “freak”. Boy, was I proud of him going into a restaurant or anywhere for that matter. The problem took care of itself pretty well: He just left home and problem solved. Yeah, right! We had no communication except for me condemning him, hollering at home, and telling him how big of a failure he was and just what I thought about him and his sidekicks! He was a disaster and I was a disaster and for that matter my wife and younger son pretty well wanted to be away from all of it...mostly me.
After a lot of bad years of jail, drug rehab, probation and multiple encounters with a dysfunctional father (and that responsibility really rested on my behavior), a change had to occur and a lasting one at that. So, what happened? I think foremost, I had to make an eternal change which involved me making some changes with my “inner spirit man.” Simply put, I found the answers of the “world” were not everlasting and I needed a God Change. That wasn’t so simple because a lot of characteristics of being a Man, a Husband, a Leader and the Provider meant being strong, hard when I needed to be and being in charge. That got me a lot of places. I struggled with gentleness, tenderness; open and honest intimate conversations with my wife and sons. By the way, men, that is exactly what your kids’ want from you. They want a warrior who can fight for them, but a man whose characteristics where of Christ. That takes some changing but when I woke up one day and realized when I was a little boy and soon to be a man, I wanted to be a daddy and I wanted to be married and I wanted a nice house with a dog and a cat and hearing the laughter of my kids playing in the front yard with all the neighborhood kids. I wanted a pretty wife who loved me and trusted me and I would grow old with her. You know the picture.
I am sure this picture might hit a few discomforting notes with you. I am not special and I am not weird. I think I am maybe the norm. So, guys, how do we do better in communicating with tough issues?
First and only, we need to listen and understand – allow our kids to state their cases or issues but still give our kids freedom to make their own decisions within guidelines. I was a bad listener because I knew what they were going to say and most of the time I knew the answers before they were finished with the statements. As fathers we have to shut off the TV, turn the phones off and sit and listen. This means good eye contact and sitting at eye level and not looking down at them. We need to consider their conversations are real and important to them and we should not pre-judge them. Before you give them an answer or advice, ask yourself how you would like to be addressed – with dignity and respect.
My point today is not about piercing, tattoos, hair color and dress. You may choose to take some strong stands on those issues or it may not be an issue at all. Learn to listen first and make your view known but most of all, do what is best for them.
By the way, God sort of made all this work out for me. With tattoos, piercing, NO hair now, everyday clothes (in my definition), this “punk”, “skater” or “freak” is married to a young woman who exceeds every prayer and dream of a woman I wanted him to someday marry. He surprised me by loving those very kids I would not communicate with or love. He now serves in one of the worst crime areas in Dallas as an inner city minister...loving those he was and those I hated. Now, I am a defender of “those less loved and despised” because I have sensed they had a dad that acted a lot like me – conditional love, lack of understanding and a poor line of communication. The theme of the day: love, love and listen, listen.
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