|
|
|
Written by Dave Clark
|
|
Tuesday, 12 January 2010 00:59 |
CDT Fathering Articles December 1, 2001 – November 28, 2006
DADS, GET INVOLVED WITH KIDS
ACTION IDEAS:
Involvement with your child is an area of fathering that many dads have trouble with, but with a little conscious effort, can be greatly improved. Many fathers struggle with how little time they have to dedicate to their children, but sometimes they can increase time spent with children by slightly changing their thinking about what this means.
Think of ways you can incorporate your child into your daily life so you’re simply together more often.
Include your child in trips to the store, in running errands, or in visiting friends.
Read, read, and read with your child, even for just 15 minutes – every day this week.
Get to know your child’s teacher and express your support for what he/she does. Make sure the first meeting isn’t over a problem. If possible, volunteer regularly.
Using the newspaper, the Family Pages, or other resources, find an activity where you can share 2-3 hours with your child and spend less than the cost of two cups of hot chocolate.
FORM HABITS WITH FAMILY
ACTION IDEAS:
Fathers behaving predictably in characteristics and habits have a stabilizing effect on the family. Regular ritual combined with reliable temperament help to create consistency and feelings of security for children of all ages.
Think about how consistent you are as a father. Ask your wife her opinion.
Eat together as a family on a regular basis.
Keep promises – Don’t over-promise. It deeply hurts when they’re broken.
Be conscious of and control large and frequent mood swings.
Develop your own family customs for the holidays that can become a yearly tradition.
BUILDING A BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR WIFE
ACTION IDEAS:
Building a better relationship with your wife (or your child’s mother) is a crucial piece of positive fathering. A healthy, positive relationship is more likely to help instill a sense of security, happiness, and well being in your child, and it will also role model teamwork, communication, and what a positive father/mother relationship looks like.
Think about what qualities initially attracted you to your wife, and how these qualities are shared with your child. Tell your wife you appreciate her for these attributes.
Compare notes with your wife on how each of your children are developing, what challenges they are facing, and how you can work together to meet their needs more effectively.
Give your wife a gift from your heart – not just your wallet. Tell her the top ten moments spent with her that you’ll remember forever. Make a homemade card. Repeat your wedding vows. Tell her specific reasons for why you’re proud of her.
Always support your wife’s decisions in front of the children. If you have disagreements, discuss them privately.
NURTURING YOUR CHILDREN
ACTION IDEAS:
Fathers can have a tremendous impact on how kids feel about themselves. Thoughtful and nurturing responses to children’s emotional needs can help bolster self-confidence.
Reflect on what was positive or painful in your childhood. Commit to taking the good and minimizing the bad from what you learned from your own father.
Watch for moments where you can legitimately praise your children – Celebrate successes!
Send a postcard through the mail, or a surprise note in a lunch box, telling your child how important she is in your life.
Tell your child “I Love You” on a regular and even daily basis.
Give individual focused attention to each child. Really listen when they talk to show them that they are valuable.
WORK TO HOME TRANSITION
Upon arriving home after work, Dads step into the door often to find excitement, and sometimes conflict, with the expectation of their immediate attention. Worse yet, the father could be ignored.
The tone for the entire evening can be set in the first few minutes after arrival. Thinking about how you move from your work life to your family life could be helpful in promoting harmony and fun for the whole family.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about a regular strategy or routine that allows a smooth transition from work to home. Do your next day’s schedule before leaving the office, and “close the book” on your workday. Stop on the way home, and take in 5 minutes of nature. Mentally, leave your office worries at the entrance to your neighborhood. This could be a reminder signal when thoughts turn from work to home. Make a plan, then make it part of your routine.
Expect that the first 10 minutes you’re home, you are needed and still on duty. Don’t plan on relaxing until the evening welcoming routine is complete. Time it – it’s shorter than you think. Appreciate that you have this opportunity when some fathers don’t.
Expect that things will not be perfect when you get home. Try to enjoy the freewheeling disorganization that children bring to your life. At another time in the day, the messy floor wouldn’t seem so big. Remember how you felt when you were a kid.
Remember to smile and give a warm greeting, even with older children. This gives the feeling that “He’s happy to see me.”
If you simply can’t give your first 10 minutes home to the family, then develop a strategy with your wife that allows a transition satisfactory to all family members.
RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR OWN FATHER
Coming to terms with the relationship you have with your father, and understanding what attributes you’ve learned and inherited from him, can be huge steps as you attempt to understand how you’re doing as a father. Learn from both the good and bad, and where appropriate, thank and honor your father for the gifts he’s given you.
ACTION IDEAS:
Reflect on how your Dad did as a father. How can you reverse, enhance, or build upon the legacy you received from him?
Think back on specific things your father (or father figure) did for you, skills he taught you, lessons you learned from him. Using those memories, write him an honoring letter or come up with a creative way to thank him.
Involve your father or father figure in your children’s lives. Doing this not only honors your father, but it also can greatly enhance your children’s lives.
Everyone has some unresolved issues with their father, or something more to learn from him. Make an effort to address these issues with him. If you have a strained relationship with your father or father figure, make the first move to reconcile. Remember, if you don’t begin the conversation, it will likely never happen. If your father is deceased, unreachable, or estranged, you can still put your thoughts on paper in the form of a letter, as if you were going to send it.
AWARENESS
Many fathers can name their favorite TV shows, make and model of car, and sports teams, but are often unaware of the important things in their children’s lives. When spending time with your children, increase your awareness by observing them, listening to them, and asking more questions. You’ll show them that you care while also understanding them better.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about what was important to you when you were the same age as your child (favorite food, closest friend, greatest fear, etc.). Engage your child in a conversation about these things, and then shift to what is important to him or her. Listen closely.
Ask your child about his likes & dislikes. Also ask your wife, your child’s teacher, and others working with him. If available, use email to increase communication.
Take up a hobby with your child, one that she suggests. This activity is one way to spend some time on her “turf.”
When spending time with your kids, pay attention! Observe them, and be careful not to probe too hard. Sometimes when they want to tell you something, you can facilitate it by just letting it unfold.
HISTORY OF FAMILY
Looking at your family history can be helpful in understanding your parenting style and other aspects of how you parent. There is evidence that suggests that what you do as a father can impact the next four generations of your family.
ACTION IDEAS:
Make a chart of two generations of your family. How are your parenting attitudes and behaviors similar to your father’s, and to his father’s? Look for similarities and differences.
Pick traits you want to expand and others you want to eliminate. Develop a system to check your progress.
Purchase some “family tree” software and use it to develop your family tree. Make it a family project.
Use the Internet to find information about your family heritage.
1 GREAT THING YOUR DAD DID WITH YOU
A survey was conducted by the National Center for Fathering asking adults to “Name one great thing your Dad did with you.” Here are some actual responses:
Took me fishing
Took me camping
Took me to hear live music
YMCA Indian Guides
Skiing and roller skating
Hired me to work for him
Took me to a Braves baseball game
Took me raccoon hunting
Made me feel important in his life
Shared some outdoor experiences
Took me on business trips with him
Participated and coached my teams
Was involved in Boy Scouts with me
Took time to play checkers and chess
Let me help with things around the house
Interviewed me formally and privately at least twice a year
Encouraged my accomplishments and helped me to set goals to reach them.
Let me finish one of his models. His trust in me had a big impact.
ACTION IDEAS:
This list, of course, isn’t complete. Ask yourself about one great thing your Dad did with you. Then set out “one-on-one” to make some memories for your own children.
TELEVISION MANAGEMENT WITH YOUR CHILDREN
Is TV harmful to children? It can be. The average child witnesses 11,000 TV murders by age 14. Children often imitate the violent acts, disrespectful language, and other negative behaviors that are modeled on television shows. Additionally, youngsters are more likely to eat too much junk food and avoid exercising if they’re watching TV. Studies show that children who watch TV at least 10 hours/week do worse in reading than kids whose families set TV limits.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about how much television your child is watching, then keep a log for a week, totaling the hours. Ask your child to guess the total, so you can gauge her level of awareness. Is she surprised? Are you?
Set TV limits:
Issue TV tickets, each worth 30 minutes of viewing time. When the tickets are gone, the TV’s off.
Keep the TV in a common area. A child’s room is a bad place for a TV, as it facilitates excessive viewing.
Make a weekly TV plan. Using the TV guide, write down a programming schedule for the week, based on deliberate choices. Stick to the plan.
Make Television part of the learning process. Watch with your children, and discuss the characters, stories, and dilemmas. Together, explore WPSU, the Discovery Channel, and other educational shows/networks.
CLEAR COMMUNICATION
Good communication is perhaps the key element in trust and relationship building with your child. Unclear and indirect messages, or mixed messages with multiple meanings, confuse children and can erode your relationship. Consider strategies for better communicating with your child.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about how you interact with your child now. Jot down what you view as patterns of positive interaction, and patterns of negative interaction. Ask your wife to do the same thing, about you, and compare your results.
Continue with the positive communication, but replace the negativity with more positive interaction. Look for opportunities to give legitimate, positive feedback and reinforcement.
Sidestep communication roadblocks that your child lays down. When he tells you school was just “okay,” probe further. Since you last saw him, he has spent about 7 hours in school, and he must have some opinions about his feelings, or about how the day went. Ask him very specific questions to avoid this broad response (What did you work on in your science lab today? What did you buy for lunch today?) Encourage him to keep talking by being a good listener yourself, without interrupting, and without passing judgment. Show him that his school and learning are important to you.
LIMITED TIME AND MARBLE STORY
Focusing on time with your children can help you savor the limited time you have. Here’s a suggestion, adapted from a random e-mail that was circulating, to help you remind yourself to Act NOW to spend time with your children.
ACTION IDEAS:
Calculate how many weekends are left until your child reaches a certain age, e.g. they become teenagers, they will leave high school, or some other milestone date. Do this calculation for each of your children.
Buy a bag of marbles. Find a clear container(s) and put it in a spot that you will see regularly. Fill it with the same number of marbles as the number of weekends you calculated above. Initially you should have one marble representing each weekend until the selected date(s).
Each week throw away one marble from each of your children’s containers. You must throw away the marble to remind yourself that the time is gone forever. This process should help you to refocus on your priorities, and to plan accordingly.
Consider “throwing away your marbles” right before you do your weekly planning.
FATHERS & DAUGHTERS
The fact that you grew up as a boy may make it more difficult to relate to a daughter than to a son. Even so, working toward a strong relationship with your daughter is worth the extra effort. A girl’s self-perception is strongly influenced by how her Dad interacts with and treats her.
ACTION IDEAS
Think about how you talk to your daughter. Share your experiences and your feelings. This sharing models positive communication and lets her see you as a person.
Be respectful of her mother. Your attitude toward her mother is critical in how she looks at herself and how she expects to be treated by men.
Schedule “alone time” with your daughter, as many girls crave individual attention from their Dads. As a couple,” ride bikes weekly, get ice cream, or go out for a meal. Driving with her alone offers uninterrupted one-on-one time. Or chauffeur her and her friends - insights and trust can be gained while you are driving her with her peers.
Listen without judging, interrupting or trying to fix the problem. Give listening the time it deserves (most men don’t do this well). If you want to know the truth, don’t set up an environment in which she can only give you good news.
Never make remarks about her weight. Even casual joking can lead to eating problems.
Try http://www.dadsanddaughters.org/ for lots more ideas.
READING WITH YOUR KIDS
Reading is the cornerstone of your child’s school success. Research shows that children who read at least 30 minutes per day are more likely to become good readers, and do well in school. Research also shows that there are two main enemies to reading: television, and parents who don’t read themselves.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about the kind of reading model you are to your children. Consider how often your children see you read, if they see you enjoying it, and if you have books, magazines, and newspapers available in most rooms of your house. Reading is one area in which your actions are truly more powerful than your words.
Make reading fun. Read aloud as a family, and take turns, using funny voices. Cook a recipe together and give your son practice reading directions. Acquire a library card, and have your daughter get one also. Visit the library weekly.
For your elementary schooler, read what he’s reading. Then discuss The Magic Tree House or Ramona. If your daughter’s in secondary school, ask her what book she is reading for English, and read it also. Share perspectives.
Give reading as a gift. Sports Illustrated for Kids, Highlights, and many other magazines are available for subscription. Buy a book and inscribe the inside cover for birthdays or special events. Give a gift certificate to a bookstore if you’re not sure what book to buy.
*Some of this material was adapted from “Reading for Meaning” and “25 Ways Parents Can Read with Children,” published by The Parent Institute, 1993.
THE LIFE INTERVIEW
Telling your family’s stories, and preserving your family’s history, are two important roles fathers can fill. Tackling these tasks often proves not only to provide enlightening information, but also can serve to connect families as they go through the process. An excellent tool for working on this goal is “The Life Interview.” This is a structured format for collecting information from family members. The interview can be completed verbally, or in writing.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about what information you wish you knew about your father, whether it is factual (what was his first job?) – or more anecdotal (What was a typical day like for him when he was in 3rd grade?)
Using the contact information below, request a sample interview from Marc. Consider using it as is, modifying it to include the unanswered questions you have about your father, or developing your own.
Including your children, if appropriate, develop a plan about who in your extended family you’d like to complete the interview. Follow through and send out your request for information to those people. Put in a target date to have the information returned. Alternatively, set up time to conduct a personal interview.
Compile the information you receive, and consider how to best communicate and preserve it. Share the appropriate information with your children, orally, and teach or extend a storytelling tradition in your family. You could also compile the information in a notebook, and circulate it to all who participated.
ENGAGED WITH YOUR CHILDREN
I remember one evening when I was pushing my young son on a swing at the playground. He was babbling on about this and that, but I was a million miles away, thinking about problems at work. I was so far away that I reached out to push him, and grabbed nothing but air...he had jumped off the swing and ran off, leaving me feeling sheepish.
I was thinking of this incident when reviewing research on father involvement. Studies show that the amount of time fathers spend with children is important, but that it isn’t the whole answer. The benefit to children of spending time with their fathers is greatly enhanced when fathers are engaged with their children. In short, the quality of the time spent together matters.
ACTION IDEAS:
Leave your cares, concerns, and worries at the door. Your “deck needs to be clear” if you want your time together to be the best.
Let your child decide what you do together. Do they want to quietly read or ride bikes? Shoot baskets or work on a puzzle?
Talk and listen to your child. Ask questions about their day. Make them laugh. Take turns telling stories.
OVER-SCHEDULING/BEING TOGETHER
In American society today, compared to thirty years ago, children and teenagers have so many more opportunities to participate in activities such as sports, drama, scouts, swimming lessons, computers, 4-H, music, etc. Kids (and fathers) get overscheduled more easily, and often have little free time.
Factor in that in many families, both parents work out of the house, while in others, one or both also do some work at home, which can lead to a task-oriented, rather than a child-centered, mindset. Many of us fall into the trap of rushing out of the house to get to a game, rather than focusing on what’s important – our children. Recent research suggests kids really just want parents to hang out with them, with less programming, less rushing, and less stress.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about and write down your children’s basic schedules for the past year. Ask them what they thought about their schedules. Consider dropping one activity in the coming year.
Reserve one night a week, or one chunk of weekend time, as sacred “Hang Out Time” with your kids. Let nothing short of an emergency interfere with this time.
Eat dinner as a family as often as possible. Ignore the phone if it rings. Strategize other times and ways that you can just be with your kids, with no outside distractions.
FATHERING TEENAGE DAUGHTERS
Here is a typical conversation with one of my teenage daughters:
A. How was school today?”
A. Good.”
A. Did anything exciting happen?@
A. No.”
A. Do you have any homework?”
A. A little.”
A. Dad, what is for dinner?”
Talks with a teenage daughter are often laced with one-word answers that end up being conversation stoppers. Many fathers are bewildered by the sometimes sudden shift from a ten-year-old daughter who couldn’t=t wait to fill their ear with the happenings of the day, to the quiet, standoffish 13-year-old. The uncertainty these changes create may lead fathers to withdraw from their daughters. It is normal for adolescents to distance themselves from parents as they seek autonomy and independence. Keep in mind, however, that despite the surface appearance that of not wanting to talk with their father, most teenage daughters desire a close, positive relationship.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about the nature of your interactions with your daughter over the past week. Did the only conversations between you and your daughter consist of arguments or nagging them about something?
Consider having a regular “date” with your daughter. Some possibilities: taking her out for breakfast once a week or attending a sporting event.
Keep your conversations around her. Let the talk revolve around what she wants to talk about. Encourage her to ask you questions.
Save corrections, advice, and judgments for another time.
MORNING RITUAL
One of my sons had homework that still needed to be checked, he hadn’t finished his breakfast, and the bus was coming in five minutes. Another son had just spilled his cereal and had a lot to do before I could drive him to his school in ten minutes. The third one – just one-year-old – was crying and needed to be held. AHHH! A scene with this kind of tension is probably familiar to most people every once in awhile.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about the morning routine in your house, or the lack of one. Examine the stress that you and your family experience, and try to pinpoint the main sources.
Try to take care of as many things the night before, to minimize morning stress (like picking out clothes).
Stressful times are often due to the fact that we as parents are hurried, not the kids. Consider waking up fifteen or thirty minutes earlier than usual, getting yourself all ready for the day. Then you can focus more on your children, and you’ll be better able to handle the “unexpected” surprises that occur.
Think about changing your morning preparations into more of a ritual, with plenty of consistency. You could include set times for rising, showering, breakfast, etc.
SHOWING TEENS LOVE
Showing your child love and affection is fairly easy when kids are small. So why does showing love fade when children become adolescents? Many parents, especially fathers, begin to feel uncomfortable with hugs and kisses when their children begin to turn into young women or men. It is also not unusual for children to become less talkative, more distant emotionally, or more focused on their peers when they turn into teenagers. Despite these changes, it is still important that teenagers know that you love them. When was the last time you were sure that your teenage child got that message?
ACTION IDEAS:
Those of us who are married have learned by trial and error what our spouses need to know that we love them. Learning the “language of love” also can apply to our teenage children. Think about what might convince your child that you really care for them. Here are some things to consider:
Complimenting our children when they are successful is nice—and expected. Affirming our love for them at other times may have more meaning.
Give an unexpected gift—especially one that shows you knows what they like.
Authentic love is sometimes powerfully demonstrated to our children when they naturally see us clearly sacrificing for them something that is important to us. Don’t hide, but also don’t over-broadcast genuine sacrifices you make.
Be patient if your teenager seems to be unresponsive. Many teens won’t fully appreciate what was done for them until later. Did you?
COOKING WITH YOUR CHILDREN
Cooking with your children, no matter their age, can be fun and rewarding. Dads who cook with their kids, even occasionally, help to create special memories, and maybe even traditions. Preparing food together may also provide lessons in following directions (recipes), creativity, math & reading skills (sorting, measuring, reading labels), and teamwork. Enjoying the meal that you’ve made together is, of course, the best part!
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about your role in preparing food when you were a child. If you were involved, did you enjoy it? Consider making your child a fun partner in meal prep, even once a month.
Check out a kids’ cookbook. Pretend Soup is an excellent choice for younger children – preschool and up – and offers safety tips, clear sketches, and fun recipes (quesadillas made with refrieds, tortilla shells, and grated jack cheese, for example).
Take your daughter on a “date” to an ethnic restaurant, and sample some new dishes. Later, try to duplicate something you both liked, together, in your own kitchen.
Use an outdoor grill to make something with your kids that you’d usually make indoors. Think stews, foil packs (with carrots and a meat), and baked potatoes.
Ask your son to plan, budget, and shop for a meal to be enjoyed by the family. Cook it together.
DEALING WITH RISK
I remember one of the free and joyful times of my childhood as standing up
and riding in the back of an open pick-up truck over a bumpy road. If you allowed your child to do this today, you would be seen as a bad parent! How we
view and deal with risk in our own life and the risks our children take will
color their views on risk. Risk can be anything from raising your hand in
class to the purchase of an investment.
Think about risks you have taken in your own life. Explaining your own experiences and admitting your fears and concerns, could be helpful to your children when they are facing unknowns.
Remember your children are always studying and copying your
Attitudes, whether you want them to or not. Do you understand AND like yours?
Help your child by not only asking "What is the worst thing that could
happen?" but also "What's the best that could happen?"
Within the realm of good judgment and safeness, encourage your child to move past his/her comfort zones. Didn't some of your best moments happen when you did?
AUTHORITATIVE FATHERING
What kind of father are you? Are you warm and nurturing—but largely let your child have his/her own way (permissive)? Are you the kind of father who sees that your main job is to make sure that everyone “toes the line” (authoritarian)? Or are you between these two extremes (authoritative)? Psychologists have determined that a balanced approach—one that combines control and support is best for raising healthy children. Authoritative fathers display five characteristics: (1) They are warm and nurturing; (2) They establish clear limits and expectations; (3) They adapt their parenting style to their child’s changing needs as they grow; (4) They are good role models—they act as they preach; and (5) They encourage spiritual and religious development.
ACTION IDEAS:
Ask someone who knows you well about your style of fathering. Would they say you are too permissive? Too authoritarian?
Think about how your style might be influenced by different circumstances. Are you fairly consistent in your style no matter what is happening? Or do you change from permissive to controlling when there is trouble? Are there particular events or circumstances that are likely to provoke you to withdraw or to seek control in a harsh or negative way?
Think about the five qualities described above. Which of these areas are strengths? Which of these five qualities is a challenge for you? What steps could you take to change your style?
VIDEO GAMES
Are video games harmful to children? Many recent studies have found that violent ones can be. A spate of research is uncovering more and more links between children and teenagers’ playing of violent video games, with a higher likelihood of aggressive thoughts, arguing with adults, fighting, and poor school performance. Throw in many of these games’ attitudes towards women, sexual promiscuity, and brutal behavior towards police, in addition to the fact that playing any type of video game for too long means kids aren’t being active, and a potentially very unhealthy scenario unfolds.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about the video games, if any, which existed when you were a kid. Do you remember “Pong?” “Frogger” and “Pac Man”? Compare these ones to “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City,” “Max Payne,” and other realistic, violent games available today.
Do a little research on the ratings system. Start with the Entertainment Software Rating Board, and/or its website, at http://www.esrb.com/. Visit a retailer of video games (Wal-Mart, Best Buy, etc.) and really look at these games, and their ratings.
Utilize the ratings on these games to guide you in monitoring your children’s play. Watch that older children aren’t letting younger siblings play inappropriate games. Set daily and/or weekly limits on the amount of time any video games can be played, and when they can be played (after homework is completed).
Discuss with your children the benefits (educational, recreational) of some video games, and the dangers (violence, negative attitudes espoused) of others. Be aware of what’s out there, and keep the lines of communication open with your wife and children.
RELIGION AND FATHERING
Prior to having children, religion may have been a big part of your life, or maybe an insignificant part. Regardless of your previous involvement, consider having your family engage in some form of religious activity as your children grow up. No matter what your specific beliefs are, engaging with a community of believers may help you be a better father, a better husband, and benefit your children in various ways as they develop. A church or synagogue also offers a network for community involvement, socializing, and recreation, as well as a network of support in times of need.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about your family’s religious involvement while you were growing up. Do you wish your family had been more involved, or less involved? As a child, were you able to create any important relationships through religion?
If you’re interested in exploring local religious organizations, start in the Yellow Pages under “churches.” Ask your friends and co-workers which church they attend, and consider meeting with the leaders of the churches you’re interested in. Drop in to a service to see if you and your wife like it.
If you don’t have a strong background in religion, you can still get your children involved. Explore the Sunday School options at various churches. For your teens, consider youth groups (like FISH) that encourage community service as well as social and spiritual development.
.
INTERNET FUN
For many parents, the Internet is a “scary place.” With pornography and pop-up advertisements, the Internet is simply not for kids, right? Not necessarily. After you and your spouse utilize pornography-blocking and related software to make YOUR home Internet experience safer for your children, the Internet can be an exciting and educational way to connect with your child, and explore the things you both find interesting.
ACTION IDEAS:
Get comfortable searching for things on the Internet. If you’re a father who hasn’t “surfed the Net” much, use www.google.com to find information of interest. For example, if you type in “pictures of lions,” you’ll get numerous links to Web pages containing pictures of lions. Type in “Kid-Friendly Internet Sites” and you’ll find many links to exciting and educational – and appropriate - sites for kids!
Make a “theme book” with your son or daughter, using Internet pictures/information related to topics such as animals, music, or sports. Copy and paste your newfound material onto a word processing document (i.e., Microsoft Word), then print it out to make one page of your theme book. Keep adding pages with each Internet visit, and together watch his/her theme book grow!
Prior to vacationing, whet your children’s appetite by finding relevant information on the Internet. For example, if Hersheypark is your destination, together find pictures and information related to your hotel and the park.
Search the Internet with your children to find birthday and graduation gifts, and use this opportunity to teach them about spending decisions and financial matters (making budgets, using credit cards, paying taxes, tracking purchases, etc.).
THE JOY OF GRANDFATHERING (221 words)
While not true for everyone, many fathers experienced a relationship with their grandfathers that was very different – and sometimes more positive – than the relationship with their own father. Research has shown that for various reasons, grandchildren and grandfathers benefit greatly from these mutual relationships. While the benefits to children are more obvious, Neugarten and Weinstein identified five benefits for grandfathers, including emotional self-fulfillment, service as a resource person, and the pleasure of spoiling their grandkids.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about your relationship with your grandfather(s), and how that may have differed from the one with your father.
Consider how you’d like your grandchildren to remember you. What changes would you need to make in order to meet this goal?
Send a positive note or thank you to your own grandfather, if still alive, and to a grandfather who has had an influence on your children’s lives.
Do something to help strengthen your son or daughter’s relationship with their grandfather(s). If the grandparents live far away, pick up the phone with your kids, or write a letter together. Consider planning a special trip or event so kids and grandparents can spend time together.
Encourage your children to ask about – and their grandparents to share – family history, “What it was like back then” stories, and pictures/scrapbooks from their lives.
*Much of this material was adapted from the National Center for Fathering’s September 10, 2004 newsletter. The local fathering effort, in cooperation with the National Center for Fathering, provides bi-weekly Action Ideas to stimulate conversation between fathers and parents. For more information, or to join local conversations, contact Mick Trombley at
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
, David Eggebeen at
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
, Robert Orndorff at
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
, or Marc McCann at 237-1719 or
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
.
FATHERS-CLARIFY VIEWS ON MONEY (235 words)
When you ask yourself what you want to teach your children about money, your answer is likely to be "a lot.” Clarifying your own thinking about money and what you specifically want to teach your children can be very helpful. Below is a short exercise designed to help bring focus to this complicated subject. If you don’t show them the lessons about money, how will they learn? It is not covered deeply in school.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about and write down a summary of what you want your children to know about money now and before they are on “their own.” Consider practical matters and also include you and your partner's values. For example, is it important to you that your kids save money?
Think about how you view and use money. What are your values? Taking some short notes on this should also prove helpful. Ask yourself if how you act compares well with what you want to teach your children. Many people find out that their actions don't match up with what they want to teach. If you are teaching your daughter that your values include helping those less fortunate, are you backing your words by allowing them to see you donating at church, or in others ways? Do you talk about it?
After discussions with your significant other, make adjustments needed to accomplish your goals. Be specific and clear.
TEACH ABOUT FINANCIAL GIVING (246 words)
In thinking about children and money, many parents say they want to teach appreciation and giving as a substantial part of the lessons. Currently, popular writers on the topic of financial planning are giving this subject much press.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about your own giving attitudes and habits. Do you give spontaneously, or in a budgeted, deliberate way? What was the culture of giving like growing up in your household? Writing down a short list of your thoughts may help you clarify them.
Work together as parents (whether you live together or not) to decide what you want to actively teach your children about money and giving.
Let your child know about the charities and causes you support and why you support them. Tie in a site visit to actually see what s/he might be investing in (e.g. the local YMCA, or Red Cross, or the Shaver’s Creek Raptor Center, if that’s what s/he and you are considering)…..or visit a program you support (one of the programs at your church, for example), and you may be able to better explain how the money helps, and why it’s important.
As this holiday season approaches, take advantage of the many opportunities to DEMONSTRATE to your child how you actually fulfill your beliefs about giving, with your actions. For example, questions about the bell ringers at Christmas time could lead to a good conversation about helping others then, talk about how to do this year-round.
TEACHING CHILDREN IMPORTANCE OF MONEY (233 words)
Regardless of your family’s financial situation, your children, no matter their ages, will be paying attention to and learning from your spending habits. At least some, if not many, of your attitudes and patterns regarding how you spend money will be adopted by your children - even if you don’t want them to. Discussing spending habits with your family may be helpful as you approach your financial goals for the New Year.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about how you spent money this week. Consider how your children could be perceiving your actions. Our kids are watching how we deal with money even if they don’t let us know they are paying attention.
Look for opportunities to share information with each child about the purchasing decisions you are making. If you are buying a used car, this may be an opportunity to let them know what you are thinking, and how and why you are making the decision. A generation ago, parents typically didn’t do this much. Do you think this type of information would have been helpful to you?
Help your children practice making spending decisions. Take them to the grocery store and have them work through comparison shopping with you. Give them a budget to re-decorate a room. Let older children help plan and budget for vacation. Let mistakes and consequences happen if appropriate. Mistakes are sometimes our best teachers.
INTERVIEWING YOUR FATHER
Before my mother died last year, I was fortunate enough to get her to complete a written interview form, and her answers to my questions will always be treasured. I haven’t been able to get my father to answer written questions, and decided to ask the advice of some friends of mine who have interviewed their fathers. They all agreed that it was a powerful experience which insures a more lasting legacy of their fathers. I compiled some of what they learned, and shared, below:
ACTION IDEAS:
Consider taking the time to arrange and conduct an interview of your father or father figure. If it’s not possible to do face-to-face, think about giving him a tape recorder, so he can document his stories, thoughts, and anything else he’d like, at his convenience. There are many ways to utilize technology to make audio and/or video recordings. While tape recorders are less intrusive than video cameras, they can’t capture all that video can, so think about videotaping the interview.
Be sure to allow enough time. Sometimes a one-hour session can go for hours – or even for multiple sessions. Giving him questions to think about ahead of time may result in more thoughtful answers, and promote better conversation within your limited time.
Try to craft a mix of questions, both “obvious” ones, and perhaps others that get at your father’s courtship of your mother, his childhood memories, and even his memories of your childhood. He may surprise your “obvious” questions with answers different than you expected.
If you do interview your father, please send us your feedback on what worked well or didn’t, etc., and we may publish a follow-up piece.
DON’T BE QUICK TO SWOOP
While walking down the dormitory hallway at the boarding school where I taught and served as Dorm Parent years ago, “Glenn,” a senior, handed me the receiver from the pay phone saying, “My dad wants to talk to you.” Glenn’s father demanded to know why Glenn was in trouble this time (as he often was), and what I was going to do to make it right. As a “Helicopter Parent,” Glenn’s dad was doing what many more parents seem to be doing these days: “hovering” over their children, attempting to rescue them from the jams and lessons they need to learn on their own.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about your childhood. Were there ever times your parents responded to an SOS you sent out, and swooped in to rescue you? If so, how did you feel? In retrospect, was the rescue helpful to you and your development?
Reflect on the help you’ve given your children in the past, whether they were 8 or 18 years old. Were there times when you acted like a “Helicopter Parent?”
Consider having a discussion with your spouse, and also with your child, about healthy helping versus rescuing. Talk about the difference, and why rescuing isn’t healthy.
Think about potential situations on the horizon in which you might more deliberately allow your child to learn his/her lessons the hard way (while being sure not to jeopardize serious physical or emotional safety).
FATHERS: THINK ABOUT DEMONSTRATING A FORGIVING HEART
One thing is a given in family relationships: sooner or later someone will disappoint, lose their cool, or make a regrettable mistake. One key element of healthy marriages and healthy parent-child relationships is not necessarily avoiding mess-ups, but how we recover from them. Forgiveness, both giving forgiveness and receiving forgiveness, is the motor oil in the engine of healthy and satisfying family relationships. If you don’t maintain the oil in your car, eventually the moving parts in the motor will wear down and seize. In the same way, if you don’t participate in forgiveness, healthy family relationships will get increasingly harder to maintain. How can you, as a father, demonstrate a forgiving heart?
ACTION IDEAS:
Reflect back to your experiences as a child. Was forgiveness openly practiced? Or was it more the case that family members “kept count” of the wrongs?
Which is more difficult for you: To apologize to someone, or to genuinely accept an apology?
Talk with your child about a time you were wronged, or that you wronged someone in your family. How was the situation handled? Share your thoughts on whether the outcome was positive, or if it could have been better.
Practicing forgiveness is hard. Saying “I forgive you” is most often just the beginning of the forgiveness journey. It can be very hard work to not harbor bitterness or anger. You may need the help of a good friend, a counselor, or pastor. Go through this not just for yourself, but also for your children’s sake.
DADS – KEEP YOUR ANTENNAE UP, by David Eggebeen
I remember distinctly how I felt after the telephone call. Surprise (What? This can’t be! He’s a good kid.), embarrassment (How could he do this to me?), and anger (I’m going to fry him!), among other things. I was under the impression that things were well with my son. After all, when I asked him how things were going, he always said “fine.” Only later did I realize the extent to which I had lost track of my son’s life. Being involved with your children and knowing what is going on with them is pretty easy before the age of 12. With adolescence, however, children often begin to “step away” from their fathers. If we don’t “step towards” them, we can run the risk of being surprised.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think back to when you were a teenager. What made it easy for you to talk to your father? What things made it difficult?
Be with your child. Time is necessary to know your child.
Learn to keep your antennae up. Watch for clues of changes in mood or behavior. Listen when they talk. Don’t put them off because you are tired or busy.
Don’t be afraid to initiate conversation. Because teenagers often treasure their privacy, you may have to do the work of staying in tune with them. It is ok to be nosy, ask pointed questions, and occasionally be persistent in getting them to talk.
Do you fall into predictable patterns, postures, or voices that immediately close down communication?
Think about changing the venue. Instead of addressing “tough” issues in the usual place (like the kitchen table), consider a ball game or while fishing.
DON’T FORGET EMPATHY, by Marc McCann
When my four-year-old broke his arm in July, I felt horrible, of course. Over time, however, I found myself “forgetting” about his predicament, and how frustrating life could be for him with a cast. I was not being very empathetic. I know that connecting with him emotionally is perhaps the strongest way to bond, and ultimately strengthen our relationship. And now that he broke that same arm again last weekend, I’m reminded to work at being empathetic - to “walk in his shoes” and try to understand what life is like for him. I’m hoping this reminder will hold true for me with all of my children, in whatever circumstances they are dealing with.
ACTION IDEAS:
Think about your childhood, and when you were four, eight, or fifteen years old. Was your father or father figure empathetic to the challenges you were dealing with?
How do your children express their emotions: out on their sleeves, or do they keep emotion hidden? Consider being on the lookout for the emotional cues your children give you, so you can better connect with them on this level.
Reflect on how you’ve handled various situations with your children. Could you have been more attentive to how they were feeling? Consider asking them their opinion.
Ask your wife how you’re doing in the empathy department. Do you gloss over others’ feelings, or do you generally try to understand them?
|
|
